This year has no resemblance of what I had intended to manifest. I’ve been in the trenches of a dense, dark void for most of the year. Looking back at last year when I was preparing to buy my first house, I was consumed with anxiety. That has been my survival state for most of my life and has hindered my intuitive gifts. I have a primal, adventurous spirit and when I see opportunities open up, I’m willing to risk the unknown to achieve my dreams. I remember my anxiety being so bad when we were about to close due to my realtor’s poor communication making me consider backing out at the last minute. Looking back and thinking about the financial perils her mortgage broker convinced me that I could afford horrifies me a bit. Yet, I have no regrets because I have come out on the other side with knowledge and experience that I could not have gained any other way.

It is true that I was blinded by sheer determination to achieve a goal that I thought would signify my worth as a mother. I became consumed in the financial pit of homeownership as a single mom with one income and the endless increasing expenses. I was in denial of my inability to afford this dream and racked up more credit card debt than I ever have in my life. The worst part is that over time I barely wanted to go outside as I obsessed over the endless things I needed to fix or update in the house. All winter long the pipes screeched as the hot water forced its way to warm the house and all I could do is lay awake and fear financial ruin if something went wrong. Nothing went wrong and the house kept us warm and protected from the storms with 60 mph winds, deep snow, and negative temperatures.

The fear of not having a safety net was one component that led to my deteriorating health, but the isolation was an unexpected contributing factor. I have always loved time by myself and have spent many years adventuring alone in the wilderness. When choosing this house I never thought about needing friends nearby or having dating prospects. There has been a chip on my shoulder for too long that I can do everything by myself. Living in the largest wilderness area in a Colorado mountain town of 300 full time residents gave me the perspective that I needed to understand. I sacrificed myself as a caregiver since childhood and felt uncomfortable prioritizing my needs. As my social anxiety reached a peak never before experienced, along with cracking three teeth in my sleep from the immense stress, it was clear that this was not working out.

As the end of the school year approached, I observed my kids’ health declining and a financial cliff on the horizon. I wasn’t fully cognizant of how much I was spiraling at that time. I resorted to what I have always done to survive, look for ways to make more money and find a way to keep it all together. I found a cabin cleaning job nearby and it was the most manual labor I have done since graduating college. I was grateful for the opportunity as it gave me some respite from my impending financial doom. It further intensified my mental health decline as I balanced that with my full-time job and single mom life responsibilities for three weeks. At one point I was convinced my kids would be better off without me and I should end my suffering. That would offer them the house for when they are older and a life insurance payment to sustain them.

I was on speaking terms with my mother who I hadn’t seen in six years. We have had a volatile relationship since I was in the sixth grade. The trauma from her own hardships and desire to end her life left me with significant emotional scars. I was isolating myself more than ever at that time and it shocks me that I even spoke to her when I was in crisis. I hadn’t trusted her in a long time. Yet, somehow I opened up and told her how badly I wanted to end everything and that I didn’t have the strength to go on anymore. I cried to her and asked why she couldn’t be there for me. Within a week she showed up in my driveway from Oklahoma.

It felt so strange to hug her and to have her in my home. I was terrified that she could do something like she had in the past, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I was willing to risk it because I desperately needed help. The week and a half she was here offered immense healing. She helped me finish the cabins and truly I couldn’t have done it without her. Even though I was deep in my sorrow in realizing that I could no longer keep up with the financial burden of this house or the isolation that came with it, she kept trying to lift me up. She offered sincere apologies for what she had done to me and tried to rewrite the belief I’ve had since a little kid that I was unlovable and it was not safe to trust people. I am proud of her for all she has overcome and it’s truly a miracle that she is still here at this time in my life to show up like she did.

My middle sister came from California to join us and to be a part of the last day of the cabin job. She brought so much food on top of the food my mom brought and my kids were so happy. I had a tight grocery budget the last few months and it was a wake up call to see the relief in my kids eyes to not have the pantry so bare. A few days before my sister arrived I listened to a meditation that prompted me to be in a circle of fire with healers praying over me. While I was in that moment an eagle came to me. He put one of his feathers in my hair. His gift showed me that this place will always be a part of me, as our home is located in a neighborhood called Eagle’s Nest. The goddess came in and helped me understand that I lost myself and connection to my original intention for our home by obsessing over the house and finances. That gave me a lot of peace in deciding that it was time to put my house up for sale and walk away. Our home went under contract within four days and we had 30 days to prepare for our next chapter!

Everything suddenly flowed with ease. I kept seeing signs of Durango everywhere. That is where I wanted to move and was worried I would struggle to find an affordable three bedroom house to rent with two cats and a large puppy. I received several denials for that exact reason. We went to Durango the week after our house went under contract with only one housing prospect. I have a long history of finding people on Craigslist for housing that turn out to be like family. This Craigslist posting was perfect for us and we were blessed to be given the opportunity to rent it! It will it offer significant financial relief from the high mortgage I’ve been paying. Luckily it has wide open spaces like we enjoyed in Creede, but with a short commute to shopping and recreation. No more driving three hours round trip twice a month to get a good selection of groceries or services!

While I was in the middle of all of this I started working with a new counselor. She helped me understand that I need to stop trying to be superwoman for the sake of finding my worth in serving others. My counselor reinforced how important it is for me to prioritize my own needs above everything else right now. I was so worried about moving again and creating further instability for my kids. She reminded me that stability means nothing if we are miserable. It was true, the kids and I were miserable with all the financial stress and isolation.

I used to have so much shame for moving so much and not having a home town. Through this experience I have accepted myself for the earth child that I am and think it’s admirable that I’m willing to push past societal judgements and embrace my journey. I’m not one to accept being constrained or miserable for the sake of saving face. I would rather break free from my own limitations and embrace the freedom to choose my own path. This fearless activation link is an empowering reminder to be fearless in choosing our dreams.

I have learned so much in the year we lived in Creede and so did my kids. My son used to think he didn’t need people and he now prioritizes improving his social skills and opportunities to make friends. My daughter realized how much she conforms to the judgement of others to fit in and is learning to embrace her own authenticity. I learned a valuable lesson that I am not just a mom or caregiver and my needs matter. It is not selfish for me to prioritize my needs and in fact it makes my kids much better off when I value myself first.

My word of the year last year was legacy and this year’s word is ease. I learned that in order to find ease I must let go of what I thought a legacy was. I loved our home so much and if I could have taken it with us I would have! It is still a part of our legacy and it has offered us so much growth and life skills. It will forever be a part of our story. Our great aunt Rachel taught us how to build an interior wall so my daughter could have a conforming room. Our neighbor, Steve, taught me how to build our beautiful hearth to keep us warm in case the heater failed. He helped me feel more comfortable receiving help and I’m so grateful for his patience and kindness in all that he taught me. I learned to get my face closer than I ever wanted to a toilet to fix and replace parts. When I bought it, it was on the market for a year. All of the improvements I learned to do contributed to our house going under contract quickly. It not only will pay back the debt I took on living here, but it will give me savings for the next chapter.

Beyond the financial gains, I learned that I cannot do everything alone and nor do I want to! I am so grateful for my neighbor, who is nicknamed Possum, that checked on me and made sure I was sufficiently prepared for winter. When the stove pipe install was more than I had budgeted, she already anticipated that and saved my butt. My neighbors Judy and Joseph helped me with my puppy when his high energy was too intense for my stress levels. Our realtor, Anne, and her team from Broken Arrow did a fantastic job getting our house sold with plenty of time to get settled before the new school year in Durango. The list goes on with how blessed we were living out here. It has been a grand adventure that I will forever cherish!