I spent years dreaming about what 2022 was supposed to be like. Now that we’re near the end of summer, I’m in awe of what a stark contrast my life ended up from what I had envisioned. I’m a single mom again and barely scraping by as the cost of living crushes those without a safety net.

What the hell happened?

August has been a month of transition for the past 23 years of my life. Over the years in the month of August I started my first moon cycle, lost my first child, gave birth to my first born child, and most recently my engagement suffered a fatal injury a year ago. I tried to heal the injury, but a voice within since that moment screamed louder and louder that I was on the wrong path. This warning would stop me dead in my tracks while alone on the trail. I tried to rationalize and stay the course to salvage the path that I had long awaited.

I eventually gathered the strength to accept the call to walk away from what I thought was supposed to be my happily ever after. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. Grieving the shattered dreams brought waves of bitterness and anger. Then my grief progressed into intense loss of what was supposed to be. I was supposed to be married, having more babies, and enjoying a sense of belonging in life. Not struggling financially to stay afloat as I navigate being both mom and dad and an overly burdened tax payer in a market where the living wage is 22% higher than my income with no assistance available to me.

My children’s father plays the child support system working to ensure I suffer financially as he has a distorted view that being obligated to pay 20% of the costs to raise our children is unreasonable. Due to the lack of support needed as a single mom the first time, the student debt crisis is another layer that is suffocating my ability to provide stability or economic mobility for my children.

The market and systematic oppression has made it unreasonably difficult for me to provide a long term housing solution for my children. It has been a source of intense sorrow as all I want more than anything is to provide a stable, forever home for my kids. We moved into yet another temporary home three weeks ago and my 40th move in my lifetime is on the horizon next July.

What am I to do with all of this?!

Just let go by Tara Divina captures beautifully what I have been experiencing the past year. I was so hesitant to accept the call the past year because of fear. Fear has been a consistent expression of my existence since I was a small child. I have carried generational trauma and unknowingly passed it down to my children in my young womb. I have been consciously working towards healing since I became a single mom the first time in 2014. Self-care and intentional efforts towards healing is one of the greatest acts of love we can give to this world.

Even with all the oppression and uncertainty, I am able to center myself. I maintain an optimistic outlook after such an intense transition. I may have given birth to my children, but they gave me life! I am rewarded with the greatest joy on earth just being their mama! I have accepted the call to be my authentic self on a path that is still being determined. While I continue to develop this new chapter of my womanhood, I’ll cherish this season of my life where I’m raising my kids to be loved, wild, and free!