The word window pane comes to mind as a play on words to the pain within. I have held my own journey of pain in the core of my nervous system for as long as I can remember.

The pain still resided within me in both a physical manner and emotionally from my turbulent childhood. Anxiety from the trauma was my filter for everything I experienced in life. I was injured by a chiropractor in 2014 after he forcibly adjusted my neck. The pain was hardly manageable after that incident. I was able to push through as I thought it was normal to have this existence.

My perpetual on the go survival mindset came to a screeching halt with my unexpected unemployment just before the pandemic. Suddenly I could feel my pain truly for what it was as I was idle and without distractions. The pain in my head, neck, shoulders, ribs, and stomach was immense. My hair has been falling out in a terrifying pattern leaving chucks of my skull exposed. My body was crumbling and aging rapidly at such a young age. I attempted elimination diets and various pain relieving modalities such as massage, acupuncture, physical therapy, energy work, and reflexology. All these methods offered only temporary relief.

My dad sent me an email of a podcast from Dr. Michael Ruscio explaining the benefits of ketamine for chronic pain. The information went off like a bell in my head. I knew I needed to explore the implications of this medicine. After careful research and having the blessed opportunity to have insurance cover it, I was scheduled at Ketamine Wellness Center for a series of 4 infusions which were 3 hours long. Typically people in my state of pain are recommended to have 5 infusions. Due to scheduling constraints and the short week from the Memorial Day holiday my treatment was shortened.

I went into my treatments with an open mind as I knew my experience of medicine of all sorts was unique in respect to most people. I am an empath and feel everything around me so I wanted to ensure I was prepared with my earth centered playlist to guide my journey. I had never had hallucinations or tripped before so I knew this was a time to let go of my need for control for the first time in my life.

Day 1: I was enveloped by the love of the earth. It was like I was in a cave and was swaddled by layers of dirt and clay. It was like the microbial world was magnified and I could see the network of their pathways. I constantly bloomed as a flower in every expression. I often fell backwards free falling into the expanse of a black hole.

Day 2: A wave of acceptance had washed over me. I let go of the shame I had internalized for the color of my skin and where I had come from. The burden of having no hometown, culture, or place of belonging was heavy on my heart. I realized in my treatment that it was not that I am from nowhere, but in fact I am from everywhere. Even my DNA from 23andme would attest I am a child of the earth with my DNA sprinkled from the four directions of her expanse.

Day 3: It was a day of atonement. I saw the suffering of all mankind including those I had inflicted. I cried for 2 hours as I accepted that I could not relieve the suffering of those I hold dear. The pain was insufferable as I could feel the lives around me, but they were out of my reach. My favorite nurse helped guide me to accept that I have a gift of a large heart, but it is not my burden to bear the suffering of all the world. I know I can’t hold the world up with my small shoulders, but the message was clear that my spirit yearns to do the greatest good within my reach.

Day 4: I woke up excited. My pain had diminished from a 7 to a 3 and I knew that something exciting was awaiting for me. During previous treatments I had enjoyed cerebral conversations such as the meaning of life with my nurses, but on this day I was silent. I felt the warmth of pure love and my mind gave me the mantra “I see you, I feel you, I love you.” It was an experience of understanding the dynamic of the world. I could feel the suffering of all the world including what plants feel. I let go of my insecurities and understood that we’re all capable of being love and light. I saw the lineage of all races of the earth come together in a woven web. I saw social media and the matrix of life. Life was a river running through the expanse of the web. I saw that we’re all one from one mother. I was brought into the depths of the earth where the core greeted me with intense loving light.

I came back to my body sweating profusely and breathing heavily like I had just run a marathon. My body was foreign and incredibly weak. I realized the divinity that is within me, which is capable for all walks of life. The profound feeling of gratitude for my gifts and pain radiated through my core. It is as if my spirit had been ripped wide open as I’m more sensitive to energies than ever.

I’m still feeling weak and going in public is arduous as I feel so much of the world around me. I learned that anxiety is a message from within to bring awareness of the gifts being underutilized. The disconnect from our true selves causes hyper vigilance which manifests into fear and doubt.

My pain is not completely alleviated, but I am present with my breath for the first time. I realized that I have a lot of work to do in this life to make the impact my heart desires. The work begins within for it to ripple through the lives of others. I am finally ready to be who I have always meant to be.

Sending love and light to anyone brave enough to read my journey.

I am here for you in any way I can.