The modern world has very little patience for those that embody sensitivity. For as long as I can remember, people would say it with a negative connotation. They would do so when a parent or another individual didn’t understand that sensitivity is a gift. I have become more aware of how powerful it is to be energetically sensitive, yet it can be an immense burden.

I practice earth based spirituality and have derived my own ceremonial practices for healing. This practice has helped me realize that a lot of my suffering is internalized energy that’s not even my own. It’s likely epigenetic and environmental from not knowing how to protect my sensitive nature. Sure, having your own mom try to end your life a handful of times is traumatic, but holding on to so much stuck energy is the source of my suffering. I held on to it as a means to control it for perceived safety. That is why I struggle to breathe. When I was abused growing up I would hyperventilate which would make me hold my breath to stop it so I didn’t feel so powerless. I’m tired of holding on to that stuck energy.

In the same vein, I’m tired of thinking. Suppressing my sensitive and intuitive nature for an overly logical mindset has been another coping mechanism for a world that rebukes sensitivity. I remember being around nine and crying to my mother because I felt the intensity of suffering for people I didn’t know and that were not even close to where I lived. The news would make me physically sick and that hasn’t changed much. I have had to numb my intuition in a lot of ways to survive. That is where my logical survival mindset emerged.

I became proficient at suppressing my innate desires and shifted my life towards my limiting beliefs in order to be rewarded by society. I faced neglect and rejection many times in my formative years. As a result, I became a people pleaser hoping someone would acknowledge me. Relationships have been challenging. This is despite diligently pursuing healing from my parents. They had an incapacity to love me as they couldn’t even love themselves. I have had a high tolerance of living a life that I knew was not meant for me for the sake of perceived stability. I had no hometown or culture to belong to. I was ridiculed for my body. This made belonging very difficult in every sense.

It astonishes me that despite being so deeply sensitive and very lost in my 20s, I was able to put myself through college while fearing homelessness daily, pursued a degree with no passion or even natural ability in the subject, all while raising my kids and working multiple jobs. I believe doing that was an attempt at proving my worthiness. I wanted to show that I was capable of achieving what society expects of me which just loops back into the please disease! I have no regrets as that has led me to a stable, well-paying job where I have had time to ponder on who I truly am. It also provided an opportunity to buy my kids a legacy home which is no small feat for a single mom who has never had much savings.

At the same time, I borrowed against my future taking 2.5 times the average student debt as a single mom who struggled to survive back then. That commitment feels as though it limits my ability to create a new dream as my responsibilities continue to take precedence over my soul’s desires. Manifestation can be a funny thing when it’s not used intentionally and we all do it whether we’re aware or not. Survival causes us to create a version of our future that is not in alignment with our authenticity and when we get there we are already creating the next version. That limits presence and we miss so many beautiful moments when stuck in that perpetual cycle.

I’m at a point in my life where this April I will have been an adult for as long as I once was a minor. I find that very empowering as the first chapter of my adulthood feels like it is coming to a close with my next revolution around the sun. I no longer feel as lost and lonely even though I live more remotely than I have ever experienced. I’m approaching my goals and desires differently this year. I want to feel them and experience the full sensation of the next reality I am breathing into life. I am incorporating intentional practices where I desire to think less and feel more of the power of my intuition.

That goes against everything I have built in survival mode. It makes my career as a government analyst exhausting. I have to limit some of my progress to earn a living. My body is not happy about it. The blessing in all of this is my bosses care a lot about me and offer space for me to share my authenticity. I recently explained to my boss that I have a hard time going full speed in January. I explained that I am aligned with the rhythms of the wheel of the year. The earth is at rest in our hemisphere and my body desires to mirror the same level of introspection and self care. My boss was supportive of my ability to be self aware and advocate for my wellbeing. I am a high achiever in my role. There is a lot that is required of me. This doesn’t mean that I will not fulfill my commitments. It means that I’ll be more mindful of how I am expending my vitality and will approach my responsibilities with more reasonable expectations.

I no longer desire to force my body to endure for the sake of perceived progress where I am often too harsh on myself. My health has suffered too much from so many years of that mindset. I would rather embody the path of a river where it flows without forcing ice or stones out of its way. Being a single mom makes me risk adverse as every decision I make must factor the wellbeing of my kids. As I am unraveling my fear of validating my own needs for the first time in my life, I’m grasping the power of my sensitivity. I believe it can coexist in the reality I have created for myself today. I envision a future where it can illuminate the gifts I came here to share.